Assault Of The Hyuga
by Da God Cane
Summary: Warning, this fic contains excessive bashing towards the Uchiha clan among other things . Only for the sharingan haters. It is pretty funny though.


A/N: Alright, let me get this straight, this fic contains massive bashing of various things. I might get in trouble for this, it's kind of mean, it's kind of sick, but I've been waiting for too long to deliver this attack. Actually, this is part of a little Hyuga/Uchiha war that by and another author/friend is having with me, and while any and all points made here are extreme, they are NOT TO BE TAKEN completely SERIOUSLY. We go hard like this because it's fun, but if you can't take rather excessively random bashing of the GAYEST (not a homophobe but just lettin' y'all know) clan in Naruto, leave...

NOW.

Assault Of the Hyuga

* * *

Fading in on a dimly lit room similar to the one in which Organization XIII sits in, colored jade green and gunmetal, with various chairs placed high and low. The occupants of the room are as follows.

In chair number I is seated a young boy polishing a straight edged kusangi blade with a green handle, humming the intro to "The Grim Adventures of Billy and Mandy" to himself with a grin. He has on a white suit, with a matching fedora atop his head, and pair of gator shoes on (autographed by Snoop Dogg). Upon his lap rests a 357. magnum pistol and an AK-47 assault rifle. Dark skinned and 5'11, he looks up to us, brushing one of his long dreadlocks from his face.

"Hello all, I am the number one god himself, Jody King, and if you haven't left this page yet, I can only assume your curiosity has been piqued by the summary. I am actually the the authors second muse and OC, who's name will not go disclosed at this time lest he is revealed to our enemy. Neji, would you like to enlighten the reader what our purpose is for being here?"

To chair number II, we see the prestigious (timeskip) Neji Hyuga, Byakugan activated and loading a fresh clip into a Beretta 9mm.

"Yes, we are here to discuss our hatred and plans of full genocide of the Uchiha clan, fuck ups with pairings in the Naruto section on this site, fangirls, and also to warn you of the (bitch) threat that is sharinganrivers. You see, the author and his friend sharinganrivers have beef, the author, being of sound mind, dark skin, profiency with firearms, and no fairy godparents, chose the Hyuga clan to pledge allegiance to and follow. Sharinganrivers however, joined the darkside that is the Uchiha clan, and by darkside, we mean that they love dick, and plenty of it. That's why you see Sasu/Naru and Itachi/Naru as rather prominent and loved pairings among this site. In any case, he is planning to write a Hinata rape fic, and Itachi is going to be doing the raping. Naturally, that is some shit that I just can't approve of, and so we encourage any and all flames you can offer that fic when it shows up. Hinata, you can take it from here."

Turning to chair number III, you see the very hot and inadvertently promiscuous Hinata Hyuga, dressed like Tifa Lockheart from Final Fantasy VII: Advent Children. Twirling two kunai on her index finger, she addresses the audience.

"Yes, you see, a major problem on this site, is what people do in the Naruto section. Yes it's fanfiction, yes it's supposed to be fun, and no, I only pretend to have a thing for Naruto on the camera. I hate canon, personally, I wish I could have someone like Temari or Gaara, hell, maybe Anko. Point being, we're not trying to hate on creativity, we're just trying stop the wave of bullshit Uchiha pairings that show up here. I don't like Itachi, I don't like Sasuke, they are a pair of mute, evil, barbarian thugs who spent a considerable amount of time playing 'pass the butter' with Orochimaru. News flash, all you Sasu/Saku and Ino/Sasu shippers need to fuck off, cause a pussy can't have a dick, meaning them shits are impossible to write legitimately.

As a matter of fact, I have the perfect example of a Sasu/Saku rant and fic right here, courtesy of author "Don't Really Care" from his genius epic, "Shadow Fox".

-  
So on the simple first note, WHO THE HELL DECIDED THAT THIS PAIRING WAS A GOOD IDEA (cough fangirls). I mean seriously, I haven't seen to far in the series, but from what I understand, there are only two instances, TWO, where Sasuke shows ANY emotion to Sakura other than annoyance or indifference.

1. When Sasuke gets the curse seal, he asks Sakura who hurt her (can be taken many ways other than love, friendship or camaraderie for instance) and the fact that he stops when she hugs him.

2. When Sasuke leaves, he tells her "thank you"..that's it.

So HOW IN THE HELL did those two moments come to mean that Sasuke has really always loved her and that he just simply had to push her away for fear of losing another loved one or the possibility of Itachi going after her. (you do know where this is going by now, don't you) Yes, once again, the blame falls on the fangirls. The Sasu/Saku pairing stems in a similar manner to the Naru/Hina. The only difference is that instead of the crush just being on any random boy, it is a crush on the popular boy that they will never have. Fangirls tend to write stories believing that every girl should have their crush. That is why we have Naru/Hina, Sasu/Saku and Neji/Tenten. However, they run into a block in that Ino has a crush on Sasuke too, and he can't be with both of them, so they pick what they consider the next fangirl favorite boy and pair her with him, meaning she ends up with Shikamaru. It is amusing how they will brush of what Naruto feels towards Sakura as a crush, but what Sakura and Hinata feel is obviously true love and not a silly crush like Naruto's (idiots). That being said, on to writing the majority of Sasu/Saku stories.

Sakura went up to Sasuke once again to request a date. Sure he has turned her down every day for the past 3 years, she knows that she really loves him, because he is cute, and surely that equates to love. All she has to do is keep asking him out and eventually he will realize he loves her.

"Sasuke, do you want to go out on a date with me?"

"No."

"Oh, I feel sad now."

Sasuke looked at the disheartened face of Sakura and felt a pang of guilt in his heart.

"Oh Sakura, you are so beautiful, and I hate to make you sad, but I must push you away else I may lose another loved one, or you may be attacked by Itachi, so I must push you away and live as an avenger."

However, as he continued to stare at her saddened face, he could no longer hold his true feelings in, he had to be with Sakura, she was his one true love. "Sakura, I am sorry to make you sad, it was all a lie, I really do love you, I have just been pushing you away all of these years, but now I just don't care anymore, I love you with all my heart."

"Yeah, I feel happy now."

And so, once again, another couple walks off into the sunset happy because nothing can interfere with true love.

...now tell me that shit doesn't happen every three of five Sasu/Saku parings!

I mean for Christ sake, Orochimaru has been LIVING INSIDE OF SASUKE, and that is just seriously homo right there when you've got a snake pedophile living inside of you! Now you listen to me very clearly, and I'll even turn on caps lock so you get the point. And there can only be one guess as to what Itachi REALLY chopped of Orochimaru's hand for (coughreacharoundpassthebuttersuckthedick).

IF ANY OF YOU UCHIHA LOVIN DICK-SUCKERS PAIR ME, OR ANY OTHER HYUGA OR MAIN CHARACTER TOGETHER WITH ANY OF YOU MOTHERFUCKERS, IT WON'T BE PRETTY!!"

As Hinata takes a deep breath from her hateful tirade, chair number IV holds the fiery young spirit that is Hanabi Hyuga clad in a leather midriff baring top and matching armbands, red jeans with a kunai pouch on both legs, and black nail polish. Switching off her XBOX 360 (she was playing the game "FUCK SONY") she prepares to let loose her own verbal attack.

"You heard the woman, and also, who the fuck decided it was okay for fangirls to jump in the series and start fucking up everything? Is nothing sacred? If your writing is little more than chicken scratch we can understand that, but self-insertion fics suck. I mean, I could see if there was some substance and legit plot to them but there aren't any that I've seen so far. Are there even any compelling protagonists in those kinds of fics? I'd like to take a leaf from my sister's book and cite the thoughtful ramblings of "Don't Really Care".

-  
To fangirls who have written a self insertion┘this one is brutal, you might want to avoid it. You've been warned. Anyway, to put it simply, self insertion fics are a load of crap.(and damn it, the name just sounds dirty.) And once again, my blame falls on the fangirls. To try to put this with as much tact as I can manage, The fangirls who write self insertion fics┘..well, they are unpopular and most likely not very attractive. In real life, life sucks for them, they want to be pretty and popular, but they're not. It may even go so far as to them being ridiculed by others.

So what do they do about it┘they decide that writing a self insertion fic will make them feel better. They write a story where they get sucked into the world of their favorite fiction (in this case Naruto) where they are the most beautiful girl that anyone has ever seen and they are incredibly powerful that no one can stand before their might, and all the boys like her, but she chooses whichever is her favorite and writes about how he instantly loves her and her strength and they are both happy together. Could there possibly be anything worse than this crap you might ask? Why yes there is. When the fangirl gets with a group of her friends in the same boat and write a "3 girls get sucked into the Naruto universe" fic. You take all that was bad about the single fangirl self insertion, and you triple it.

So let this message be known here and now: Writing a self insertion fic is not going to make your life any better, go out and do something about it instead of writing a load of crap that nobody wants to read, you are wasting both your time and the time of everyone searching through the load of your crappy self insertion fics to find a story that is actually good. And with that brutally said, it is time to write the majority of self insertion fics.

Once there was a girl named (insert name here). She lived an unhappy life in the real world. She was homely and unpopular. She so wanted to be pretty and popular. She only had two friends, and these friends were just like her. One day, the three of them went to her house and while they were watching Naruto, they were magically sucked into the T.V. and transported into the world of Naruto.

"Hey, where are we?"

"I think that we are in the world of Naruto."

"Wow, we have suddenly gotten really strong. Look, I already know how to use just about every jutsu."

"Hey your right, we already know all of the jutsu."

"OMG, LOOK GUYS, WE'RE PRETTY NOW!

"You're right." Suddenly, (insert the favorite boys of the authoresses) appears in the clearing in which they have landed.

Wow, that girl sure is beautiful and strong.

"So is that one."

"I think that we are all suddenly in love with these strange girls who have just suddenly appeared out of nowhere. They cant be spies or anything, so lets take them back to become Konoha ninjas."

Girls : "Hooray!"

And so the girls followed their favorite male ninjas back to Konoha. In the following week, they would kill Orochimaru and all of the Akatsuki members with their incredible innate power upon arriving in the Naruto world, because obviously when they were pulled through their T.V., they gain power that all of the real ninja spend their whole life perfecting, but that doesn't matter now does it. Anyway, the ninja that found them profess their new found love to these complete strangers and the girls say that they love them in return. The girls are much happier in this load of crap fantasy than the real world, so they never search for a way back, they just live out their days as the ⌠beautiful goddesses of the Naruto world. The End.

See? You see how that shit works? Self insertion doesn't even sound atrractive! Anyone and everyone who has reached this point and is positively seething with rage and ready to flame us back, you have a great many people to blame for incurring the wrath of the Hyuga.

5. Sharinganrivers (you shouldn't have been talkin' shit)  
4. Fangirls (with the obvious exception of the Hyuga ones)  
3. The Uchiha (shouldn't have been talkin' shit)  
2. Riku from Kingdom Hearts (we got our shitlist lined up for you next, kid)  
1. You (Hey, you should't have wrote that Sasu/Saku, or the Hina/Sasu, or that Itachi/Hina. You shouldn't have joined the Uchiha Clan, said the sharingan was cool, you shouldn't have been talkin' shit OR the most important AND RETARDED ONE one)

YOU SHOULDN'T HAVE FUCKED WIT' THE HYUGA.

Now, to close out this straight up poisonous dart, below us sits the famed Wu-Tang Clan. A collective of rappers, grammy-award winners, and producers assembled from all five bouroughs of New York (particularly Staten Island)."

Occupying seats V through XIII are in this order: Method Man, Raekwon, Inspector Deck, The GZA, U-God, Ol' Dirty Bastard, The RZA, Masta Killa and Ghostface Killah.

We now close out, with Meth and Rae directing various threats of torture to the Uchiha Clan.

"Yeah, torture motherfucker, torture... I'll fuckin', I'll fuckin tie you to a fuckin' bedpost, wit' ya' ass cheeks all spread out and shit, right? Put a hanger on the fucking stove and let shit sit there for like, a half hour and stick in ya' ass slow like, ssssssssssssssss!" said Method Man venomously.

Raekwon followed up with "I'll fuckin lay ya' nuts on the dresser, just ya' nuts layin on the fuckin dresser... Then bang them shits wit' a spiked fuckin' bat-BLAOW!"

"I'll fuckin', I'll fuckin pull ya' fuckin tongue out ya' fuckin' mouth and stab the shit wit' a rusty screwdriver! KAPLOW!"

"I'll fuckin' hang you by ya' dick out the twelve story building out this motherfucker..."

Meth let out a laugh at his fellow clansmen's remark, "I'll fuckin'...sew yo' asshole shut and keep feedin' you, and feedin' you, and feedin' you..."

"Aiyo I'll cut your fuckin kneecaps off and make you kneel in some staircase piss!" threw in Raekwon.

"Fuckin'...cut your eyelids off...and feed you nuttin' but sleepin' pills..."

End


End file.
